Compassion

I mostly ask people to find compassion for others. Tonight, I am urging you (speaking to myself directly, of course) to work so very hard to find compassion for yourself. Now.

I say to myself, “Mica, you are OK.”

I say, “Mica, you have so much. It’s OK to feel overwhelmed.”

I say to myself, “Mica, it makes so much sense that you have an ear infection, your house is messy, and your kids still have not eaten dinner. You are OK right here, right now. They’ve eaten fresh fruit, yogurt, and granola and say they don’t need anything else. Worry no more, dear woman, you are OK.”

And then my boyfriend calls. He says, “How are you?”

I start to cry.

He says with a sweet chuckle, “I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

I’ll start with the compassion I see him offer me, and then I’ll continue compassion for myself.

Breathing and hopeful.

 

 

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Drastic Decision

I want to share that I have made a very drastic decision in my life. I have chosen, with the help of my son and former spouse, to take my eldest son out of school for the remainder of this school year. When my son came to me (we were already seeing signs of struggle) crying one night and said completely unprompted, “If you want to see my full light, my full truth, and my full happiness, then you will not make me go back to school.”

I had already been considering taking him out. We loved his teacher, but she left. The new teacher didn’t get it. With Michael’s beautiful, heartfelt plea full of crocodile tears, there was my answer. I waited to make the decision until it was perfectly clear, and it could not have been more clear than to hear those words from my son.

My youngest son attends the same school. We will have to move through the awkwardness of pulling one child out and keeping one child in. Yes, there will be awkwardness in that. It’s a very small school. How my younger son will react and deal with it is yet to be determined. Will he be jealous? Will he be glad to have a break from his brother? Will he even notice anything is different? I know not. It will work out. It always does.

I write to say, “Take care of your children now.” The choices are hard, but I figure I only have one shot at his learning and experience. This will not be easy by any means. I’ve tried homeschooling before. It didn’t go so well, but it’s years later. I have a job that I have to keep as well. We will all have some MAJOR shifting to do.

I know that he will go to school next year for sixth grade. We already have that confirmed. And for those who do not know, my son has a label which is Asperger’s. I do not like the label, but it will help to make sense of his school issues. He had a new teacher this year who simply didn’t get it and wasn’t going to be able to serve him the way he needs to be served.

No, we will not receive any tuition back. Yes, my former spouse and I will have to spend more money than we want. Yes, I am filled to the brim with anxiety about finances and being able to be with my son for extended times . . .

And . . . and yes, my son knows that his needs will be met and he doesn’t have to be afraid or confused or anxious about going to school each day.

In love to all who parent—it’s a tough and beautiful road.